Are you part of the sandwich generation?

Ever felt squeezed by your responsibilities? More and more adults are looking after both young children and older relatives as the population ages. Welcome to the ‘sandwich generation’, says Jennifer Howze

Fiona Phillips said an emotional goodbye to her spot on the GMTV sofa in 2008, after nearly 16 years on the show. The popular presenter wasn’t swanning off to the US or a judging slot on a TV talent show. She quit to spend more time with her husband, look after her two young children and care for her father, who was suffering from Alzheimer’s. She’d struggled before, too – her mother died from the same disease.

“I was so tired, I had all these things to juggle and I was grieving for my mum because I was losing her day by day,” she said. In the end, the pressures got to be too much. “You very much do feel crushed between opposing forces,” the broadcaster said.

Fiona Phillips is not alone. Allison Pearson is the author of I Don’t Know How She Does It, a novel about the perils of being a working mother, which recently hit the big screen starring busy mum-of-three Sarah Jessica Parker.

Allison was one of the first to describe herself as a ‘sandwich woman’. In her last column for the Daily Mail in 2010, she described how a typical sandwich woman postponed having her first baby until her thirties to get her career established. Then, said Pearson, “Just as Sandwich Woman got the kids sleeping through the night, one of her parents fell ill… So Sandwich Woman had to drive hundreds of miles to keep an eye on a confused or ailing parent, then race back again to collect the kids from school. Somewhere in between there was a job to be taken care of. And a man.”

Increasing numbers of families are becoming part of this ‘sandwich generation’ – a group sandwiched between caring for children under the age of 18 and dependent adults such as their own elderly parents, in-laws or other relatives.

It all adds up to a squeezed middle generation affected by stress, financial concerns, physical exhaustion and even mental health issues of their own.

Caring for elderly relatives often entails an additional dimension of paperwork: helping with wills, claiming benefits, taking control of their affairs, and so on.

“I was surprised that my cousin, this previously very efficient former personal assistant, had made no provision for power of attorney,” says Annie Jones.

Annie frequently looks after her own grandchildren and has spent weeks arranging a care home for an 86-year-old relative who has officially had her liberty curtailed. “Now that she can’t make decisions for herself, it’s a complete minefield of legal issues to organise the financing of her care home. Just when I should be sailing into the retirement sunset, I find myself a parent again.”

There are also hidden knock-on effects. When someone gives up work to care for family members, it reduces the amount they accrue for pensions and other savings schemes. But beyond the challenges of money and time, many adults also struggle with the guilt of ‘not doing enough’ while coming to terms with the failing health, or death, of an older loved one.

Fran, a mother of four-year-old twins, a 17-year-old and a 21-year-old, is the only family her 87-year-old grandmother has in town. Fran looked after her first when she was living independently, then during an eight-month hospital stay and now in a care home. “I seem to spend about 45 per cent of my time at the hospital or care home arguing for something she needs,” she says. “I relive her memories over and over again,” she adds. “Trying to be upbeat is hard and it does take it out of you.”

Sometimes the loved one can make it difficult. The frustration, anger and confusion that older people invariably experience as they decline can result in them lashing out or blaming the carer for confining them to a care home.

Sarah Abell, the former relationships expert for The Daily Telegraph, suggests trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and empathise. “It won’t necessarily help solve their problems but it may make it easier to accept their behaviour.”

Thankfully, the government is starting to realise the kind of support that carers need. Its recent Dilnot Committee report advised increased government spending and a cap on individuals’ contributions towards their social care costs. Companies are also waking up to the need for flexible leave for employees looking after family members both young and old. And, don’t forget that charities such as Age UK offer a wealth of invaluable advice, from practical matters to emotional issues.

One woman’s story…

When Kate’s mother died of cancer in September 2009, she found a house with an annexe for her father. She now lives with her father, her husband, and her three children aged 5, 7 and 10.

“My father had ruled out living with me initially, saying three-generation living would not work. But I feel better that he now has family life going on around him; before, he used to sleep in his chair a lot waiting for our visits.

“My dad has heart problems but I don’t do anything for him in terms of physical care. Instead, there are little things to check, like his medication, his appointments and so on. I also help him with all things related to the internet and email. I enjoy it, to be honest, apart from those occasions when I feel I have to drop everything to deal with his questions.

“Dad cares for me in many ways, too. He’s a good listener and his conversation and humour are brilliant. Financially, we have pooled our resources. And when the children get in from school, they immediately visit Grandad for ‘biscuits, crisps and love’.

“Sometimes I do feel as if I’m expected to have all the answers. Blogging about it is my main coping mechanism. But this set-up also allows me and my children to create memories all the time with my dad. I hope this will strengthen us now and in the future. It’s good to reflect on how they will talk about my dad in years to come to their friends and their own kids.”

Simple coping tips

For those caught in the middle, experts advise these simple strategies to plan and cope:

Make sure all legal documents are in place before you need them.
Wills are important but it’s also good practice to work out power of attorney, get instructions in the event of incapacity and even confirm the personal wishes should the person not be able to decide for themselves.
Ask for help.
Reach out to other family members, friends and the community if you are overloaded. It’s easier for people to pitch in if you give them a specific task, such as looking after the children one day a week or giving an elderly uncle a ride to a doctor’s appointment.
Get support for yourself.
Many organisations offer advice on managing the carer role and give support on the forums of their websites (see below) and via helplines.
Look after yourself. Make time for yourself and prioritise your marriage or other main relationship.

Advice and info

Here are some of the support organisations available:

ageuk.org.uk
counselandcare.org.uk
carers.org (The Princess Royal Trust for Carers)

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