Why we’re still in love with weddings

Whether it’s a grand royal occasion or a small registry office affair, nothing makes us go gooey like hearing the words, ‘I do’

It’s a wonder that any of us still say ‘I do’. At a time when the average wedding costs almost as much as a down-payment on a house, when divorce is faster and easier than ever before, and when there’s no moral or religious imperative to head down the aisle (baby out of wedlock – so what?), the institution of marriage should have demolition orders plastered all over it.

Yet its foundations have proved remarkably durable. Though the number of marriages has declined over recent decades, the latest figures are steadying: in both 2007 and 2008, around 230,000 walked down the aisle. The number of couples who get divorced is dropping. Civil ceremonies are going strong, and gay and lesbian partners could soon win the right to marry. Could it be that, for all our jaded cynicism, we are a nation of incurable romantics?

When Kate and Wills announced their engagement last November, the nation sighed a collective ‘ahhh!’ and commemorative mug production went into overdrive. True, we love a good royal wedding (and the bank holiday that comes with it). But more than that, there’s something about a public declaration of love, of closing the past and opening the future that remains incredibly appealing.

“We live in an unromantic era, where people have busy, stressful lives,” explains Miranda Eason, editor of You & Your Wedding magazine, “and weddings are one of the few moments when you stop, draw breath and make a statement about true love.

“Couples know the divorce statistics, but they go ahead anyway. The average length of an engagement is now 15 months so people think long and hard about what marriage means.”

 

Sara Collins, 35, is getting married in August, but has been planning her wedding for nearly two years. “I didn’t think it would take this long but the recession has affected us,” she says. “But in a strange way it’s been a good thing. I think we got engaged, not exactly on autopilot, but because we accepted it as the next stage in our relationship. I just presumed I’d get married somewhere flash like a castle, wear a designer dress, have a big party.

“Now we’re thinking much harder about what’s important to us, what it means to be married, and what we can do without. We’re not having a wedding cake. I’ve cut the guest list down to close friends and family, and my bridesmaids will be doing the flowers on the day. It’s become much more meaningful and creative. I can’t wait.”

Sara’s experience mirrors a trend towards pared down, personal weddings. Maybe it has something to do with age. With the average age of first-time brides now 30 years old, and grooms 32, our decisions are more mature.

Our taste for ostentatious celebrity nuptials has also soured in the recession, a fact not lost on William and Kate, who are being careful not to overdo the pomp on their big day. We may still be fascinated by Liz Hurley’s Mumbai extravaganza with its fire-eaters and performing horses, and Jordan’s latest OK!-bankrolled (and televised) wedding blessing, but it’s the celebrities who get married in low-key, private ceremonies – such as Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem, or Jay-Z and Beyoncé – who we increasingly want to emulate. Their desire to be ‘normal’ has hit a chord with the public.

Though Beyoncé, Liz Hurley and Jordan have little in common apart from fame and vast wads of cash, they were united in one thing on their wedding days. “Everyone goes into marriage full of hope,” says Relate counsellor Paula Hall, “because fundamentally it is a leap of faith. You don’t know if your relationship will last, and you’re aware from the start that there’ll be all sorts of pressures, from having kids to work issues.”

The good news is that the latest figures for divorces (2009) showed six years of decline in a row. The recession has played its part – it’s hard to split up when you have nothing to live on – but also, says Hall, “I would say that couples are emotionally more aware now. They know the wedding day is the fairytale but that marriage is the real story. They know what it takes to keep a relationship together, that they need to talk things through.

“They’re also aware that children are affected by their parents splitting up, so the desire to stay together is strong. Commitment is never out of fashion, and marriage remains arguably the most potent way of showing that commitment.”

For those unmarried with kids or in a gay relationship, marriage or a civil partnership also brings much-needed rights and securities in the dark areas of inheritance, childcare and joint assets. Until civil partnerships became law in December 2005, a long-term gay couple could not inherit from one another under the same rules as married couples or fairly split their assets in the event of their relationship breaking down. Even now in non-married couples only the mother has automatic rights to the children.

“Gaining legal protection for my relationship with the children was important to me and my wife,” says Simon Hughes, a father of two from London, who had been with his girlfriend for eight years before proposing. “I’d always intended to ask Kate to marry me at some point, but somehow never got around to it, and when she became pregnant we didn’t want it to seem like a shotgun wedding.” Getting hitched after all these years has made an unexpected difference. “I thought it would connect me more to my kids but it’s Kate and I who have become closer. I’m not saying that marriage is right for everyone, but we feel more centred, like we’re moving forward together now.”

For Miranda Eason, it’s proof that weddings do still have the power to transform. “I talk to couples all the time about their weddings,” she says, “and I hear such romantic, wonderful, thoughtful stories about their big day. It’s true that not every marriage works, and you have to be realistic about your future together, but there’s something pure about a wedding – it’s about joy and happiness and love and looking forward. In times like these, we need it more than ever.”

Back