Is technology making us disconnect emotionally?

More and more we’re playing out our relationships through technology. It’s the start of a slippery slope, warns Amy Grace

When Catherine Tate played God in Jeanette Winterson’s GodBlog at London’s Bush Theatre last year, she declared: “In the beginning, there were no social networking sites…” Not only was that spot on, but God was accompanied by an angel with a laptop who communicated via Twitter.

Expert tweeter Stephen Fry had well over three million followers in October 2011. But even he feels that instant access to the internet on gadgets that come “thicker, faster, newer, sleeker and more miraculous than ever before”, makes our next challenge to stop keeping up with new inventions and reinvent realcommunication and emotion.

When we’re only excited about a lovely view because uploading a photo of it will make our Facebook status look interesting, or when our updates are reduced to ‘Off to yoga’ and then ‘Back from yoga’, surely it’s time to disconnect from our virtual world?

One in three people have felt ‘overwhelmed’ by communications technology to the point they felt the need to escape. Texting, email and social networking (via Facebook, Twitter, etc) can be fantastic for research and entertainment or keeping in touch with overseas friends or family.

But 36 per cent of parents interviewed last summer in a Cambridge University-led survey said technology disrupted family life at least some times, and more than half said they felt their family would benefit from having technology-free time. Researchers also found, perhaps surprisingly, that children still prefer to communicate face-to-face.

Adults need to lead by example but texting over tea and toast or checking Facebook while CBeebies is on in the background isn’t uncommon.

“Parents need to send the right signals to their kids,” says Suzie Hayman, trustee of Family Living and Parentline. “Start with rules, rather than waiting until no one is communicating, and make sure you ‘skill up’ so you know technology isn’t being abused. Encourage family meals and keep media for public rooms, not the bedroom.”

Social media has brought bullying from the classroom and office into the home, and one in three young people have been affected. Richard Piggin, deputy CEO of Beatbullying says, “Sites designed for the specific purpose to abuse, harass and bully are popping up regularly.” Cyberbullying at work used to be limited to emails but now social media sites allow anonymity.

Professor Majid Yar, a cyber-crime expert at Hull University, says, “Electronic communication creates a distance that makes it easier for people to set aside the normal rules of respect. They say things online that they wouldn’t say face to face.”

It also happens on parent network sites such as Askamum, Mumsnet and Babycentre – where mums might go forvirtual support. Instead, they become the victims of virtual finger-wagging.

Depending on a virtual world instead of engaging with family and friends will only have negative effects in the long term, says Dr Cecilia d’Felice, clinical psychologist and author.

“Face-to-face contact is an investment, especially when we’re tired and have had a long day at work, but only real people keep us engaged and committed. Even when they’re driving us mad, real people offer us support and challenge. If we lose the ability to make eye contact, to relate to people, we lose the ability to be attractive and, in turn, the ability to mate.”

To Bryan Appleyard, Sunday Times journalist and author, it is obvious that human relationships are changing because of social networks. “Although it’s not surprising,” he says, “it’s more radical than people realise. Social networks are the prime culprits for how our relationships are going to continue to be endangered.”

It’s not just a cultural or social shift. Baroness Greenfield, Oxford University neuroscientist and director of the Royal Institution, believes that physical changes in the brain’s frontal lobes occur because impact with a screen gives us a ‘hit’ of dopamine. Changes to our frontal lobes mean alterations to the pathways in our brains that help us to be socially responsive, acceptable and more ‘human’.

Dr Cecilia d’Felice says that “too much dopamine makes our thinking fragmented and insular. Over-dependence on virtual friendship leads to reduced social skills in the form of inarticulate and emotionally clumsy attempts at communication. We quickly lose touch with reality.”

But switching off is a real challenge, says Ben Irmie, father of three. “Rather than focusing on the family, you have half a mind on this other world. You want to be a part of it, so you update your status or post a photo, or you share something funny the kids have said. As soon as you share, you’re waiting for a comment, rather than just getting on with a real conversation with your wife or reading books with the children.”

Sometimes it takes a wake-up call to force a change. Carol, a mother and entrepreneur, says it was her three-year-old son’s repeated attempts to close her laptop that made her realise she was ignoring him. “Facebook is the curse of the full-time mother!” she says. “It’s brilliant for keeping your social life alive but it fills every moment of the day with nonsense.”

The impact of technology on our relationships has been profound and although most would agree it has to be embraced, perhaps “the remedy is to share it,” suggests Phillip Hodson, fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. “We need to be clever about it. We’re gregarious, social creatures and we need to interact. We mustn’t forget to be entertaining and agreeable, and to spend time with each other.”

Technology: help or hinder?

Suzi Perry, TV presenter and journalist, weighs up the pros and cons of technology in the home

Switch on

Apps for cooking, with recipes and step-by-step instructions, encourage teens and children to get involved. The addition of technology makes cooking fun.

Smartphones have really handy online schedules, so the whole family can have instant access to each other’s diaries.

Nintendo Wii encourages physical and group gaming, with the whole family getting involved.

PVR (Personal Video Recorder) technology allows us to record and watch TV shows or films together.

Skype allows instant messages, for free, anywhere in the world. It’s fantastic for contacting friends and relations overseas.

Facebook is great for instant memories and sharing photos.

Turn off

Too much social media can create a lonely existence. It also has narcissistic properties: this feeling that every single part of our life should be commented on.

Time spent alone on technology can fracture family life, and parents can be just as guilty as kids.

Internet bravery is too easy and the lack of face-to-face contact can draw you into a virtual world.

Online chat rooms and discussion boards can lead to feelings of alienation and, at worst, cyberbullying.

It’s (still) good to talk

A recent survey by the University of Cambridge and BT discovered that the art of conversation is still alive.

More than nine out of 10 people think talking to someone face-to-face is the best way to pass on an important message

Fewer than half would trust a text message to do the same thing

Almost two-thirds (65 per cent) say talking face-to-face is still their favourite way to communicate

Try these for support

For advice, peer support and all aspects of family life, visit familylives.org.uk. Or call their Parentline on 0808 800 2222; beatbullying.org; cybermentors.org.uk

Read…

The Brain is Wider than the Sky by Bryan Appleyard (Weidenfeld & Nicholson)

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