Get what you want in life

If you often feel like you’re missing out on the good things in life, it’s time to take steps to speak out and have the confidence to achieve your goals

"I like to be organised, I like to push myself. I probably do have a little bit of that over-achiever syndrome," says actress Reece Witherspoon

Whether it’s your intimate relationships or your work life that’s leaving you feeling dissatisfied, it’s time to stop focusing on what you don’t want and concentrate instead on what you do want.

“Making it clear what you want will make you feel happier with yourself and take away regrets that come from thinking you are missing out or selling yourself short,” says psychologist Sue Lovegrove. Here are some tips on getting what you want out of life.

Take control

The key to getting what you want is having the confidence to communicate your needs.

“Assertive people tend to experience more life satisfaction, because they are better at making decisions and taking action to achieve what they want instead of feeling powerless and frustrated,” says Sharon Vickery of Acuity Training, which runs courses on assertiveness. But don’t confuse being assertive with being loud-mouthed or aggressive, she warns. “Assertiveness is about being appropriately direct, open and honest, and clarifying your needs to other people. Understanding yourself and how others perceive you is a key element to having a much happier life.” Being assertive may not come naturally, but it’s a skill that can be learned.

Relationships

“You need an equal voice and a fair balance of power to make a relationship work well, and this means having the confidence to feel that you deserve to have your needs met,” advises Paula Hall, relationship psychotherapist and author of Improving Your Relationship For Dummies. The way you communicate is key. Address important issues with “I feel,” not the more combative “You make me feel”. The more responsibility you take for your own feelings, and the more open you are about them, the better, because it helps equip your partner with the information they need to respond in a way that suits you. Plan or even rehearse privately how you might discuss aspects of your relationship that you are not happy with. Think through the language you can use to be assertive without sounding angry. Practising these simple skills can improve the health of your relationship and prevent resentment and anger from building up.

Friends
Friendships that leave you feeling taken for granted or put-upon need to be challenged. Being assertive in friendships ensures minimal miscommunication, and you can be honest with friends within social limits without hurting their feelings.

“If you say what you feel with grace and good humour it’s more likely to be taken on board,” says Ingrid Collins, consultant psychologist at the London Medical Centre in Harley Street. “Positive reinforcement – ‘I really like it when you ask what I’d like to do when we go for a night out’ – is far more effective than simply pointing out negative behaviour.”

Family
Your children, your in-laws and other relations may have a bit of a surprise if you start to speak your mind, but changing your patterns of behaviour is far better than suffering silently and seething. Seeing you acting in an assertive manner, with self-determination, will help children learn to be confident in their needs and build strong relationships themselves. If they see you taking ownership of situations and taking responsibility for changing how you approach and respond to family members and events, they can learn to take more control of potentially challenging situations, and work at dealing with the complications of family dynamics.

At work
Being assertive without becoming too emotionally involved is the most effective route to saying what you mean and getting what you want at work. Your gestures, body language and tone of voice are vital – try not to look tense or sound angry or aggressive when talking to colleagues or making requests or demands. Stay calm, make good eye contact, and be prepared to stick to your guns, however assertive the person you are talking to may be. When taking on a colleague who you feel is not treating you well, describe clearly what they have done to upset you, ask how they feel about it, explain the impact on you and your work team, and stress in positive language how you would prefer them to act in future, giving specific and realistic goals. “You can be so much more productive and constructive at work if you can break out of the self-perpetuating cycle of giving in to other people, and then feeling guilty and bad about yourself,” says business psychologist Michael Gutteridge.

If career success is important to you, don’t keep putting it off. Stop fantasising about your goals and work out a strategy for achieving them. Set some deadlines.

And learn to say no
Think of people you know who speak their mind and you’ll see that, as long as they communicate well and without using emotional blackmail, they are respected for it. “We all have the right to make requests and disagree, and saying no is part of that,” says Sue Lovegrove. “You have to have the confidence to listen to your inner voice and then go for it.”

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